Intermediate's |
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by Stephan Rowden |
They begin an endless search for the products and services offered by the all-knowing, all-providing experts. In between these powerful forces lies the bulk of us, the Intermediates (Greek for "just above dolt"). Being an Intermediate in computers is like finishing fourth at the Olympics.
It is a noteworthy accomplishment to be sure, but no medals. To a Newby, however, you can take on an almost god-like status. You have powers and abilities that they covet greatly. You can multitask in an office suite. You can snare important files from around the world. And best of all, you can successfully install Doom. To your beginning friends and relatives, your ascension to Intermediate is the greatest thing since microwave popcorn. On the flip side, the experts still regard you as a simpleton who will buy any new product that comes down the pike, as long as it makes you look good behind a keyboard. Of course, they are right, but there's no reason for your newly found followers to know that. Such is the status of the Intermediate, caught between a rock and a hard drive.
Do you fall into this vague world between Newby and Advanced? Read the following descriptions, and see how many apply to you:
That warm glow on your face is radiation burn.
If you answered "yes" to at least half, congratulations, you are an Intermediate. This means that you are not a beginner and not an expert, but we still have to call you something. Newbies are much simpler to define. Newbies are anybody so computer illiterate, so intellectually void, so emotionally desperate, that they would turn to someone like you for advice. Let's be honest, not long ago, a lot of us thought that a "download command" involved interfacing with...never mind! But now that we know shift from enter, our world has changed. The growing masses of Newbies look to us as enlightened, all-knowing, and most importantly, free sources of information. You have now earned the right to act smug and impose your opinions into any conversation about computers. But before you launch into your dissertation on the Zen of mouse-cleaning, make sure that there is no one from the Advanced group nearby to laugh at you. People in the Advanced group are the easiest to define. They own businesses.
It is important to maintain your stature among the easily impressed. Yet computers can be so mind-numbingly complicated that it is often difficult to conceal your true level of ignorance. It is best to keep your Newby friends away from your Advanced contacts. For example, next time your wife catches you dialing tech support, just tell her it's about the Beginners SIG!
Also, Newbies have a habit of asking questions that make you want to switch to stamp collecting, but it is possible to retain your status while being utterly useless at the same time (if politicians can do it, so can you). Next time you are asked a question which leaves you clueless, simply avoid the phrase "I don't know," and replace it with any of the following more useful answers:
Polishing your answers with some attitude can only enhance your image among the newly desperate. A little bravado reveals your high level of confidence as well as your gender. Try sprinkling your conversation with such declarations as, "Any fool knows you should run a checkdisk first." Or, "Bill Gates may be smarter than me, but I could knock the heck out of him!"
Remember, there are many rewards for maintaining your stature. Your friends and co-workers will owe you favors (making them, if nothing else, easier to deal with). Your value on the job rises (or plummets, depending on the whims of the Network gods). But mainly, you get to watch the blood drain from the faces of the Newbies when you tell them about conventional memory.
Stephen Rowden is a HAL-PC member.
E-mail me at webmaster@hal-pc.org with any comments you have and tell me what you want to see here.
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