If Beer Were |
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The Brewery |
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and to read the sections carefully before opening the can. Originally came only in an 8 oz. can, but now comes in a 16 oz. can. The can is divided into eight compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Macintosh Beer
At first came only in a 16 oz. can, but now comes in a 32 oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the `fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "You don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16 oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can drink only a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32 oz. can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously, too. Advertises that the cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You seldom see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that nine million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
Only just out, Windows 95 Beer looks a lot like Mac Beer, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32 oz. cans, but, when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer, at least until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and claim they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brand.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32 oz. cans, but you can buy it only by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial-strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
UNIX Beer
This very heavy beer comes in 32 oz. cans, and has been around for years. Rumor has it that it was originally brewed as a hoax by a couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people actually liked the stuff. It tends to be drunk only by freaks or eccentric academics, often with beards, and drinkers of it do not like drinkers of any other beer. In its basic form it doesn't look particularly impressive, but, with the addition of a magic ingredient named "X", it can be converted into an all-singing, all-dancing beer on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge range of flavors and (often unpronounceable) ingredients. It must be stressed, however, that, even then, it is strictly an acquired taste.
Reprint from Blue Notes, the Newsletter of the San Francisco Personal Computer Users Group.
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