Eat My Dust, Compaq!, Eb Guenther
A revolutionary new computer presents the investment opportunity of a lifetime
When I see a problem, I think in terms of solutions.
But for me to take the bull by the horns and actually implement the solution, everything has to come together just right.
The mood has to strike me just right, the moon has to be in the correct phase, and my desk has to be free of more pressing concerns. All that came together today.
I have founded a new company, “Thimble Laptop Company”, for the purpose of producing what the experts have failed to do, a functional and ultra-light laptop computer.
Years ago I naively expected my first computer to keep my business books, write my correspondence, track my investments, and do this all with hardly any interference from me. Even after I realized that computers do nothing without way more detailed instructions than I used to give my secretary, I still expected miracles from computers. The reality is, computers do no more than we used to produce without computers. They just use up more paper in the process.
But what really gets to me is the lack of portability. Have you ever tried to lug around a modern notebook computer? Tried reading from a notebook’s seventeen-inch monitor without turning your head? Had your lap crushed by your laptop bag? Your arm stretched from lugging it around?
Aren’t you fed up with all the extras required to make a portable computer work? The two-cord power supply, the external drives, the spare batteries, the custom shirts with one arm longer than the other, and the avalanche of paper the computer generates? Carrying more paper home than you left with, because the computer generated more reports than you had paper for? I sort of expected the electronic miniaturization to actually make computers smaller. What we got were smaller desktops and larger portables. Dhuhh!
What I want from a laptop is portability, not theater quality. The several 12” laptops are almost small enough, but they are more expensive than the largest, most modern behemoths. My first laptop had a nine-inch screen, and it was perfectly OK.
I need a laptop for writing reports and letters, not rocket science or 3-D games. I do need to print on the road, and I want to keep my paper output small. I don’t want to carry reams of paper along. Nor do I want to run out of paper in the middle of an important report. I want it to weigh no more than a pound or two, fit into the side pocket of my car door, and have everything in a single package. No extras, no options, no lugging.
A pox on the experts, I have solved these problems myself. I have designed an ultra-portable laptop computer. I made it small, I made it light, I gave it an integrated printer, and I made it cheap.
My most revolutionary new feature is the power supply. Humans expend way more energy typing on the keyboard than needed. I harness this energy to power the entire laptop. Thus it needs no external power supply, ever. Scrap a two-wire power supply. Since you start generating power the moment you start typing, you don’t need much battery either. Just enough to bridge the keystrokes. Another huge weight and space saving! Are you getting excited yet? Wait, there’s more.
To reduce paper output, I made it harder to print the second copy than the first. In other words, if you have a tendency to print another copy, this feature will cure you of that habit (patent applied for). That way, you can get by with much less paper.
Another huge weight savings is the screen. There isn’t any. All output is sent to the printer, which has a loop of special paper, which serves as screen. This loop serves as a scrolling display, which transfers its content to regular paper, as it erases for reuse. Replacing the LCD screen with paper results in a forty percent weight savings! Space saving is not worth mentioning.
Now that we have a hard copy of everything input via the keyboard, there is no need for a hard disk. You already have a hard copy. Another space and weight savings. Without a hard disk, no RAM is needed either, nor any supporting hardware, such as a CPU, the CPU cooling devices, or the motherboard to hold it together.
If you want to surf the Internet while on the road, use your cell phone. It already has taken over the Internet anyway. Even SPAM is being siphoned off by cell phones. Another thing our notebook will not need resources for. We are down to a printer and a keyboard, folks! The result weighs in under two pounds.
We can sell all the parts we remove from our notebook for more than it will cost to manufacture the rest. Even if I never sell a single unit, I will make a profit on every one I manufacture. Isn’t that fantastic? If we charge, say $500 for these machines, it will be all gravy!
If the finances work out as envisioned, we will give one laptop to every investor, so they can demonstrate the slick unit, wherever they go. All they’ll have to do is sit in public and type. They type, it writes. Hmmm. Type; Write. Type-write. Typewriter. That’s it! I’ll call it: “Typewriter”.
Soon everyone in the world will want a “Typewriter”. Aren’t you excited?! To get in on the ground floor you need to act now. April 1st only lasts a week or two!
Invest in “Thimble Laptop Company”, or “TLC” for short. Send $1,000 for a Half share. I need to sell a lot of Half shares to get started, so tell your friends.
But hurry, when I run out of Half shares, I will have only Quarter shares left. These too will cost $1000 – hey, it costs just as much to print Quarter shares as it does to print Half shares.
And no, I’m not trying to cheat you – trust me! We will take orders, collect the money, and then pay our executives a huge bonus for all the hard work. Then we will probably go broke and have to liquidate at par value. Each Half share will get a Half (or two Quarters), each Quarter share will get a Quarter. I will not do anything I haven’t promised to do. I may do what I have promised to do, but don’t hold your breath.
Make checks payable to Eb Guenther, and send to:
Kemah, TX 77565.
PS. I will not disillusion anyone by returning their money, should they be astupe (opposite of “astute”) enough to fall for this pitch. I will treat them like any other investor. For Franchise information, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.